Bethany Caufield

Intro

Four years ago, I experienced one of my greatest trials of my life, resulting in one of the greatest changes of my life.

Trauma is Real

When first learning of my husband’s pornography addiction, I felt peace and comfort beyond my own abilities. Then quickly the devastation set in. It was much like learning of the unexpected death of a loved one, except instead of a loved one, it was the death of the life I hoped for, and the life I thought I had. I felt blindsided, betrayed and alone. Fear easily settled into my heart. What would this mean for our eternal family? Would he ever change? Did I do something or not do something to cause this? What did the future hold? Would I ever feel joy again?

I felt emotionally paralyzed and even experienced some symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (or PTSD). There was real trauma that had occurred and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to recover from it. I felt that since he had caused this pain he had to be the one to repair it.

Tender Mercies

During these times of emotional darkness there were several moments of light gifted through the Spirit as I turned to the Savior and petitioned his help, receiving peace, comfort and answers to prayers. One of the first messages I received from God was in order to heal, I had to forgive. I’d forgiven many times for wrongs against me. But this one was hard. Never had I felt so hurt, and so broken before.

I faithfully began to study forgiveness, reading conference talks and other articles on LDS.org. I was studying more deeply, praying more earnestly and seeking to know what God desired of me, what my part was in all of this. I felt protection from the darkness, so much so that at times I thought I could conquer anything. Then once again, the sorrow would return like a thick fog and I would once again become a prisoner of hopelessness, despair and resentment.

During this time, this wasn’t the only challenge I had been facing. Within a four- month period, I had a baby – which meant very little sleep, learned of my husband’s addiction, was hospitalized after being severely sick for 3 weeks, followed by being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and then received a distinct prompting that I needed to homeschool one of my children due to struggles they were having. Just one of these things would have been difficult to bear.

Spiritual Awakening

These emotional highs and lows continued for some time to the point that I felt like I was becoming a crazy person. On the outside I pretended that everything was fine, but deep down I was hurting and it was exhausting living this double life. There were some days I could hardly function. As I observed Joe’s countenance increasingly changing for the better, while I remained on an emotional rollercoaster, it was then that I realized I needed to work on my own healing. I needed to seek help beyond my own abilities.

Meetings

I began to attend LDS Family Support meetings where I found strength and hope. I found they provided a safe place to share my sorrows and pain; knowing that others understood the pain I was going through. I listened as they shared similar experiences as mine and my hope increased as I saw the joy in their eyes and in the expressions of gratitude for the Savior. I saw something within them that I wanted – joy and peace. I also found a “mentor” – someone who had been where I was and having applied the atonement in their lives now sought to help others do the same.

My Journey – Changed by His Grace

This is where my journey of healing began. I continued to attend meetings and came to understand that if I really desired to be completely free from the hurt and the pain I was experiencing, I had to stop focusing so much on what my husband did and focus more on what Heavenly Father wanted me to do now.

I had hope that Christ would help me forgive and heal my heart. What I didn’t expect was that He’d change it.

I began to focus on deepening my relationship with Christ, putting him first in my life. Prayer, scripture study, fasting, temple work, all of these things became a means of drawing closer to Christ rather than something I just did because I was supposed to. I willingly sacrificed time in the morning not just reading verses of scripture, but really delving into them, pondering and writing about how each message applied to me, and working on daily assignments given by my mentor. I learned more about addiction, including recognizing that I did not cause it, nor could I cure it. I began to recognizing a change in my day. I felt the influence of the Spirit increase in my life, guiding me and supporting me daily. My prayers became more sincere, asking what Heavenly Father desired for me instead of praying that my will would be done. Feeling as though He was right there with me. I didn’t know how this journey would end exactly, but I found hope in Christ, and as I surrendered my desires, my will, my life over to the care of Jesus Christ, I was filled with a peace that only He could provide. My double life was becoming one, more genuine and real, full of hope and light. When despair threatened to once again settle into my heart, I didn’t let it say. Instead I focused on trusting God, continuing to seek His will.

With the help of my mentor and most of all the Spirit of the Lord, I began to work through all of my fears and all of the emotional trauma, and to recognize my own weaknesses and the harms my choices had caused over the years. I didn’t know all the answers, and that was okay. All I needed to do was step out of the way and allow God to direct my life and implement his perfectly prepared plan for me.

With the Spirit to guide me, teach and comfort me, I processed all that had been bearing down on my shoulders, and then I let go. Having learned all I could from these experiences, I gave it all to Jesus Christ.

Forgiveness was not something I could do, not on my own. It was a miraculous gift from God, but I had to choose to let go. When I did, He didn’t just heal my heart, he replaced it with a heart like His, filled with love and compassion and joy for all of my brothers and sisters here upon this Earth. Never had I felt so free. Like Alma the younger when he said, “there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you…that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy” (Alma 36:21).

God was there for me in every trial, every challenge I faced, including raising another child, finding healing in my health and guiding me as I taught my child at home. He sent individuals in my life to serve me, to remind me that I wasn’t alone in bearing my afflictions both on this side and the other side of the veil. Letting me know He was there. As I began recording these blessings, I became even more aware of the tender mercies he offered in my life. This was a testimony to me that He really does know me and is capable of helping me through any and all trials in my life if I am but willing to let Him in and surrender to His plan.

Both Joe and I were no longer the same people as before. Our relationship began to heal. He has been an example to me as I continued to observe God work through Him in miraculous ways. This change from the inside out did not occur overnight, and it is still a process that continues as I place my trust in God, seeking and acting upon His guidance through His Holy Spirit. As I do so, I don’t worry so much what others think because I know I am right where I am supposed to be.

Having experienced this healing change through Christ, I now desire to help others more fully apply the atonement of Jesus Christ in their lives. I have seen broken hearts mended, relationships healed, even mental health issues improve, freed from the bondage of despair as sisters have turned their lives over to Christ and allowed His grace to change them.

Introduce the Outreach Meeting

As Joe mentioned in his talk, our Stake has created a confidential meeting for adult sisters who have endured, or are currently enduring, a trial caused by the choices of a close loved one. We have become a sisterhood, lifting each other up and together finding joy in Christ despite the hardships we may face. To those sisters who may be silently suffering, who may wonder if it is ever possible to feel joy again, who are seeking additional support from others who understand your pain and your hardships, and those who can add their voices of hope, I invite you to come. You will be received with open arms. Talk to your bishop and he will put you in touch with me (the meeting facilitator).

I have witnessed first-hand the atonement working in the lives of those in attendance, including my own.

All in attendance

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is sufficient for everyone: the mother of a son or daughter that has left the church; the wife of a husband who dies, or who leaves her or the church. Those who have lost a child; parents who watch their grown children going through their own hardships and so desperately desire to remove the pain; those struggling with health issues; to every person who is or will experience deep trials that threaten to destroy your faith, I testify to you that there is hope and there is healing through the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Remember, they were Heavenly Father’s before they were ever ours and He will not leave them alone. God will console us in our afflictions. As you surrender your plans, your desires, your life to God, he will work miracles in your lives and in the lives of your loved ones.

Testimony

Through this journey of forgiveness, I had to be willing to let go of all I could not control in order to fully grasp the Savior’s hands, trusting that things really would work out for my good. The result was far better than I could have ever imagined.