Introduction
A little over four years ago a man in our stake died and no one here knew he even existed because he was very reclusive and preferred to be isolated. I knew him well, but he didn’t want anyone else to know about him so I honored his wishes and kept his existence a tightly guarded secret. When he died, there was no obituary or funeral. He slipped out of this world as quietly as he slipped in.
Today I want to share with you this man’s story, because it serves as one of the most powerful testimonies I have of our savior Jesus Christ. Before I share his story I need to reveal the identity of this man: He was me!
I know that may be little confusing, but it will make perfect sense once I explain.
My Double life
For a little over two decades I silently struggled with pornography. This problem compelled me to live a secret, double life that no one knew about but me. It felt almost like I had become two separate distinct people. In public I was a faithful member of the church willingly serving with all my might. I lived the gospel, prayed daily. I condemned immorality and avoided worldly TV shows – I didn’t even watch rated R movies! But in secret I was a different person with an ever devolving set of values, where I would indulge in viewing content that the other “me” was morally opposed to. These two opposing lives were in constant competition; a moral tug of war that never seemed to end.
I was first introduced to pornography when I was 10 years old. My two older brothers brought home a pornographic VHS and we watched it in our family room while our parents were gone.
Pornography quickly took ahold of me. I tried very hard to stay away because I genuinely wanted to do what was right, however, I would give in almost every time it presented itself. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, it would always make its way back into my life. I had many periods of extended success, but it would inevitably return. To my horror, it even followed me into marriage. In my adult years the internet made it possible to access it anytime, and I found myself enslaved, accessing often.
Living this double life was exhausting. On the surface I had it together, but underneath I was a mess and dying spiritually. As I used my secret life to dull negative emotions I inadvertently dulled out positive ones. I gradually became numb to love, happiness, compassion, and kindness. Joy became elusive.
Without realizing it, my relationships with the people I loved became less meaningful to me. A wedge had been placed firmly between my wife and me, and it was slowly driving us apart.
Despite these ill effects and my genuine desire to change, it seemed impossible to break free and end this nightmare. It seemed I could not do things the Lord’s way. It all seemed impossible.
Death to My Double Life
For many years I hoped it would eventually just go away – That maybe somehow I could master it on my own in secret. No one would ever have to know. I began praying fervently for God to take it away. Every day I prayed for it. Every fast Sunday I fasted for it. I even got a blessing from a trusted friend. All these efforts seemed to be in vain.
At first I thought my prayers were not being answered, but overtime I began to wake up to the fact that I was not going to be free until I ended my
double life. I recognized that this problem was not going to die in the dark and that I needed to come forward into the light. That awakening, is the moment my double life began to die and I began living one complete life.
That transition was one of the hardest things I have ever done – It took me nearly half a year to work up the courage to tell my wife. God answered my prayers by giving me the motivation I needed to follow through. He sent tender mercies that made my prison less comfortable. I eventually disclosed my secret to my wife, to my bishop, and to many others. Each person I revealed it to was a dagger in the heart of the secret life I had hidden for so many years. Eventually my double life completely died.
Letting go of the secrecy and stepping out into the light opened up the world to help that I could have never received while in hiding. I considered my problem an addiction (because it had all the hallmarks of one) so I started attending our church’s addiction recovery meetings and reading as much as I could on the subject. I worked through the twelve steps in the church’s addiction recovery program and learned from people that have been successful in overcoming this problem. I had a support person named John that mentored me along the way and held me accountable.
I started putting the Lord first in my life and seeking his will more than I had ever before. As I let go of ego and pride, I felt the atonement of Jesus Christ work in my life and He cleansed me from within. As He changed me, my behavior changed. I became free from the world and I was finally able to do things the Lord’s way.
Overtime I became free from the bondage I was once in. I have been free from the clutches of pornography for over four years now. The joy I have felt from that freedom has compelled me to share with others what I’ve learned. I have dedicated much of my free time to helping others with this same problem to heal. After years of helping people I have discovered that my story is far from unique. I have met countless other individuals in this church who have had a secret double life like I did.
A Plague
Many research studies have been performed on this subject and they all conclude that pornography is now regularly consumed by the vast majority of males (both young and old), and even females are a rapidly growing demographic. Based on my personal experiences talking candidly with many people I have reason to believe that the numbers aren’t much better inside our church. I know there are many of you here in the congregation today, silently struggling with this problem. Keeping it hidden – Living a double life like I did.
Over two decades ago President Gordon B. Hinckley compared pornography to the plague. We are now seeing that pornography is spreading even more rapidly and affecting more people than the plague ever did. He warned us that pornography was more deadly than the plague because it destroys our spirits and bodies. I can testify to you that the negative effects of pornography are not always immediately apparent, but that it is indeed even more deadly. For it doesn’t just destroy an individual’s mind and spirit, but it destroys families, which is the central unit in the gospel. Many families are torn apart by the plague of pornography and countless others are never even started.
When we are physically ill, we are usually quick to seek out medical attention. When we are spiritually ill however it is our tendency to keep it to ourselves. We fear being judged. We fear letting people down. We fear hurting people that we love, as such revelations are often shocking and hurtful. Also, because of pride we are vigilant about protecting the positive image of ourselves that we have worked so hard to build up in other people’s minds. Whatever our reasons, by covering our sins we allow a spiritual cancer to grow unchecked, all the while the adversary is using our weakness to mold us in his ungodly image.
The Monster
I have observed that some members of our church have minimized their own problem and consider their occasional use of pornography as no big deal. Some think that a problem only exists if it is consumed frequently, like daily, or maybe even weekly. For those that consume it only occasionally, they may think it’s not a big deal. Some would argue that it’s even normal and healthy. All this thinking is foolishness.
When we consume any pornography, or let our thoughts escape into sexual fantasy of any kind we are feeding a powerful monster. It is this monster that is fueling this world’s demand for pornography and even much more horrible things like sexual assault, abuse, and the sex trade industry. We call this monster lust, and it has a storied history of destroying greater people than you and I.
In the Old Testament, David defeated Goliath showing great courage and faith. He grew up to be a great king of Israel. He was a mighty man of God, but over time lust defeated him as easily as he did the giant of his youth. The lust inside of him caused him to break every single one of the Ten Commandments and fall from the grace of God. His son Solomon, who was also a mighty leader, who was given the gift of wisdom, and built a magnificent temple was consumed by lust. As a result he fell into apostasy.
I’m confident we all can think of many more examples of great people that have been destroyed by lust. If we think we are immune to it, or that we are somehow responsible enough, or strong enough to dabble in it, we are mistaken. With time, it will consume us and destroy us. And when the dust settles we will be held accountable for all those that the monster harmed, because we were the one that fed it and allowed it to grow within us.
No one is immune. No one!
I think back to the double life that I lived. One of those lives harbored a monster that was gaining strength. I can now see that it was inevitable that one of these lives would overpower the other. I had to make a choice of which one lived, and which one died. The longer I delayed that choice the
more likely the decision would have been made for me as the monster gained strength with every passing year.
The Secret to Success
I’ll be the first to admit that overcoming compulsive and addictive behavior is easier said than done. It is extremely difficult, even impossible, unless it is done the right way.
Some people have asked me what the secret to overcoming this problem is. I will tell you what the secret is right now, but first, let me ask you: What do you think President Nelson would say if you were to ask him what the secret to performing heart surgery is? I believe he would say, “You must become a heart surgeon.” What if you asked Elder Uchdorf what is the secret to flying a 747? I believe he would say, “You must become an airline pilot.”
Flying a jumbo jet and performing open heart surgery are both very complex tasks that require a skilled professional in order to perform them successfully. Simply putting on an airline uniform or surgical gown and attempting these tasks without the proper qualifications would spell disaster for you and everyone involved. But for the surgeon and pilot, their respective tasks are relatively easy.
In both cases, we must become something BEFORE we can be successful.
So, what is the secret to overcoming compulsive unworthy behavior, such as pornography, drugs, alcohol? We must become!
And what must we become? King Benjamin said that those who put off the natural man become saints. Some may call it a disciple of Christ. Some may call it an addict in recovery. Whatever you call it, it is certainly one step closer to becoming like Jesus Christ, who was capable of resisting all sin and overcame all things. As we become more like Him, we find our
behavior more closely matches His behavior. Things that were once impossible for us to do now come naturally.
This transformation takes more than a visit to the bishop’s office. I’ve had many people share with me that they felt really good after confessing to their bishop and thought it was now in the past. Many were horrified, disillusioned, and defeated when they inevitably returned to their unworthy behavior after a genuine heartfelt confession.
For those of us that struggle with compulsive unworthy behaviors, a confession to our bishop is best viewed as a beginning of our journey, not the end. To become free from a compulsive behavior, bad habit, or addiction, it almost always requires many more steps and effort to become what we need to become. Keeping in mind that any efforts on our part are simply to allow the Savior to do His work by getting out of His way.
The Outreach Meeting
The church has many resources for us to use in order to allow the Savior to do his work within us. There are also a lot of resources outside of the church. I don’t have time to share them all with you but I want to speak about one we recently initiated in the Star Stake.
Last year we created a meeting specifically for men in our stake to receive help and strength from others that have struggled with and overcome unworthy behavior. Pornography of course is a common thread among those that attend and is discussed frequently.
I’ve been called to lead this meeting and it’s been one of the highlights of my life. I’ve witnessed it evolve into a tight brotherhood of priesthood holders counseling with each other about these sensitive issues. Deep friendships have been forged and we are eager for more to join us. In fact, the brothers that attend this group are fasting today so that the spirit will touch those in attendance at this conference tonight. We want all those that
want to partake of the Savior’s enabling grace to join us in our quest to become like Christ.
To foster a safe environment for openness and sharing – This meeting is by formal invitation only. If you would like to receive a formal invite, please contact your bishop and he’ll put you in touch with me. We want you there!
If you are struggling with pornography, we want you there. If you have experience overcoming this problem, we want you there. If your problem is drugs, alcohol, or anything else… We want you there! The strength and support this group provides will bless the lives of you and your loved ones.
There is also a meeting specifically for sisters to attend and receive support. As it is not just individuals that need the healing power of Christ, but also relationships need to heal. Sister Caufield will share more about that shortly.
My Testimony
In closing, I’d like to share a brief testimony of Jesus Christ.
It is clear to me now why God didn’t just take away my problem while I hid in isolation. In doing so he would have denied me this opportunity to grow. This experience yielded far more than stopping my unworthy behavior.
When I decided to come forward and end my double life I had reached a point where I wasn’t sure if God even existed. My prayers had seemed to go unanswered so I began to entertain the possibility that he wasn’t really there. I had begun to have some serious doubts. In doubting God’s existence I was no longer sure who I was and what my purpose was. I was lost. Not knowing who I was anymore was my rock bottom.
Much of my motivation for leaving my comfortable prison was to put God to the test. I began a journey to know Him. I had an addiction that I knew I
couldn’t overcome on my own. If he was really there, he would help me. I was willing to give up all my sins to know Him.
I had nothing more than hope that he was there… And that was enough. With that hope I took tiny steps into the unknown giving myself unreserved to this God I had once believed in, and I was rewarded with the gift of faith. That faith grew and I gained confidence. My faith turned to knowledge as I saw firsthand a higher power work a miracle in my life that I knew I could not have done on my own. I knew there was a God and that he could change me.
Where I was once broken and lost, I have been recovered and restored. The master has molded me into something I could have never become on my own. He showed me my weakness and made weak things strong.
I stand before you as a witness of Jesus Christ. I am a firsthand witness of his love and compassion for the sinner. I am a witness to the power of his enabling grace, which transforms the hearts of even the vilest of transgressors. He can turn a monster into a saint. All he requires is a broken heart and a contrite spirit and a little bit of hope.
I testify that he lives. With those same hands that were pierced and hung from the cross he will reach out and redeem us, and mold us in His image.